Steve and Marissa are in the midst of an acrimonious divorce. Their 9-year-old son Dennis has become hostile and defiant. How can Steve and Marissa help Dennis adjust?
Steve and Marissa are in the midst of an acrimonious (bitter) divorce. Their 9-year-old son Dennis has become hostile and defiant. How can Steve and Marissa help Dennis adjust?
Steve and Marissa can support Dennis, through the divorce, by providing warmth, involvement, and consistent guidance. Emotional support, encouraged open honest communication, and active listening is vital during the adjustment phase for Dennis – especially from his mother (less emotional support is typical with unruly behavior). Most importantly, Dennis will positively adjust to the divorce as Steve and Marissa use effective parenting. Effective parenting is engaging in authoritative parenting (providing affection, acceptance, reasonable demands for mature behavior, and consistent, rational discipline). Additionally, protecting Dennis from family conflict is an important factor in his overall adjustment. Frequent parental contact from both parents and emotional warmth from the father – child relationship will provide psychological well- being for Dennis. In fact, several studies indicate that outcomes for sons are improved when the father is the custodial parent. Moreover, effective positive co-parenting is essential for Dennis to grow up into a competent, stable and happy young man.
~ Amy Hinkley
Berk, L. (n.d.). Emotional and social Development in Middle Childhood. In Development through the lifespan (Sixth ed., pp. 348-349).
Overall, divorce is linked with adjustment problems in children, however, not for all children (thank goodness). Divorce trauma is severe and some children become hostile and defiant. Children respond differently to divorce; and, age plays a role in the differences. Children 9-12 years old are more openly angry than younger children. Parents play an important role in helping their children grow through anger that stems from divorce. Family practices matter a lot in divorce situations. Family practices, such as harmony between parents, quality of parenting, and support systems, matter in divorced children’s development. The overriding factor in positive adjustment following divorce IS effective parenting.
~ Amy Hinkley
Berk, L. (n.d.). Emotional and social Development in Middle Childhood. In Development through the lifespan (Sixth ed., pp. 348-349).
Putting a 9 year old through a divorce can have a huge impact on them physically and mentally, but both the parents can help by providing social support, therapy, and staying very involved in their sons lives. With me being able to experience this in real life, my parents divorced when I was 9 years old as well but I came from a family were both parents constantly fought and I was severely depressed by the actions being taken but deep down I knew it was for the best. After all the support both sides of my family gave me as well as my friends I made it through it and I am stronger now than I ever was! so it is very important to show support during the divorce for Dennis, and if it is necessary to take him to therapy, or simply sit him down and listen to what he has on his mind.
The parents will need some guidance on how to guide the child through the ongoing changes. First, they must always be honest with them. Tell them why the marriage failed, but do it without badmouthing your former spouse or releasing any inappropriate information to the child. Admit to their mistakes and faults that contributed to the failure of the marriage because kids see these things anyway. Don’t use the children to spy on the other spouse “dish dirt” or be the messenger for conversations between each other. If they have something to say to each other they need to do it directly. The parents need to handle discipline as a unified front. What rules/discipline in one house are rules/discipline in the other. Don’t put the kid in the middle of their disputes about care-giving or money. Reassure them that it was in no way their fault. Leave them no doubt about their unconditional love for them and their commitment to help them through the difficult road that lies ahead.
Divorce is a hard thing to deal with and it can have many consequences on children if parents don't handle it the appropriate way. Our textbook gives several ways to help Dennis adjust with his parents' divorce. They are to shield children from conflict, provide children with as much continuity, familiarity, and predictability as possible, explain the divorce and tell children what to expect, emphasize the permanence of the divorce, respond sympathetically to children's feelings, engage in authoritative parenting, promote a continuing relationship with both parents. -Chelsea Hagan-
To me, the most important thing to help Dennis to adjust would for his parents to keep open communication with him and to stay very involved with Dennis. Dennis needs to know that nothing is his fault, both parents love him very much and that everything will be OK. BOTH parents must stay involved and provide a warm, loving, and guiding relationship for Dennis. No matter how much the parents fight, it is very important for them to at least get along when it comes to situations with Dennis. Even though they are no longer married, they are still both Dennis' parents and they still need to be on the same page and work as a team for Dennis instead of talking bad about another parent. They need to make Dennis the number one priority. Going through a hard time like this, Dennis will need extra support and attention. -Chelsea Hagan-
At this age it is very difficult for the child to understand that this Divorce is not their fault. I feel the parent must be loving, positive and reinforce the deep love and affection they hold for him. If they can refrain from arguing in front of him and try to resolve issues in a peaceful and timely manner , along with giving him attention and stability. So, many factors involved. With a secure home and continuous reinforcement the situation can become a lot less stressful. It's the responsibility of both parents to try their best to insure this is the case.
Even if Steve and Marissa are bitter toward each other they need to step back and rethink how, little Dennis is feeling and how difficult this is for him. Children act out in many ways to accommodate the pain they are feeling inside. He will need positive reinforcement from the both of them, as well as a feeling of closeness and love. Trying to keep his routine as close as when the family was complete and not bad mouthing each other . Marissa should stay very involved and talk to him with great love , kindness and understanding that this will greatly impact him as well.
Even if Steve and Marissa are bitter toward each other they need to step back and rethink how, little Dennis is feeling and how difficult this is for him. Children act out in many ways to accommodate the pain they are feeling inside. He will need positive reinforcement from the both of them, as well as a feeling of closeness and love. Trying to keep his routine as close as when the family was complete and not bad mouthing each other . Marissa should stay very involved and talk to him with great love , kindness and understanding that this will greatly impact him as well.
First off, Steve and Marissa need to put their differences aside and put Dennis as their first priority. Yes, Steve and Marissa can still go through the divorce but sit down with Dennis and explain to him that this is for the best and nothing is going to change the relationship with us (Parents) and him (Dennis). After explaining to Dennis why it’s for the best and everything is going to be okay, Steve and Marissa need to have the same “game plan” for their child and not have different rules from each household cause that can lead Dennis to be confused and upset. If the parents have the same rules and same boundaries for their child, the relationship between parent and son will be a lot less stressful. Steve and Marissa still need to have strong communication skills with one another so everyone is on the same page. It all comes down to Dennis, and Steve and Marissa need to know that their divorce can potentially lead to defiant behavior, that’s why the parents need to still conduct a civil relationship with one another to show Dennis everything is going to be fine.
The reason why a divorce is very traumatic for the children involved is because things are changing for them completely and the future is unknown. The most powerful people in their lives have decided to go on a completely different course. Parents do not need to talk negatively about the other parent. Don’t try to have deep, meaningful conversations with your kids about the divorce if he or she does not want to. Also, don’t jump into another relationship and expect kids to be accepting of that person. Parents need to hold kids accountable for their behavior. If kids are acting out, be clear with them. Let them know that even if they’re acting out because of the divorce, they’ll still be held accountable for their behavior. Divorce is a hard thing to go through for the parent and the child so by doing these ideas could help the tension and stress that comes with divorce.
Divorce is hard for everyone involved, not just the children. Everyone is feeling different emotions and this can cause even more pain do to the divorce. There are many things Steve and Marrisa can do to make Dennis feel better about the divorce. First both parents need to talk about how they will explain to Dennis what will be happening and the changes that will occur. If both parents are on the same page and know how to approach the situation and tell their child together it will be better for all of them. Secondly Steve and Marrisa need to explain to Dennis that he will still receive love from both parents and that he will get to spend time with both of his parents. Steve and Marrisa also need to make an agreement about what days Dennis will stay with each other then and they also need to agree on rules they will both have for Dennis. This will cause less confusion to Dennis by having different rules at two different homes. Dennis will also feel more structure when his parents are both on the same page. Steve and Marrisa will also need to avoid talking harshly about the other parent in front of Dennis. This can make Dennis feel like he should blame one of the parents for the divorce and can sometimes cause resistance. No matter what Steve and Marrisa do to make Dennis comfortable he is always going to be upset by the divorce but these methods will allow him to not act out and to have an understanding of what is going on. This will help strengthen his relationship with both parents.
Although my parents have never divorced and I don't fully understand what that feels like I have had many friends who's parents have separated. The child changes tremendously. My best friends parents separated while we were in middle school and both of her parents tried to make her believe it was the other parents fault for the divorce. I knew how much pain she was in and how confused she was. I can only imagine how this would affect a younger child. Parents need to understand while going through a divorce it is not about them, their feelings should be put aside to do what is best for their child. I don't know what I would do if my parents ever split up and not knowing is scary at my age and I am 19, so for a 9 year old divorce can be very scary and could cause them to have trust issues.
Although I have experienced this on my own i have several friends that went through it at well and some were not to long ago so just think if the effects on a 19 year old are just the same as they would be for a 9 year old it is a strong impact on them. It is very important that the parents never ever give any negative feedback the child has to know that no matter the outcome that anything is possible and that he has that social support. The difference between a 19 and 9 year old is that the 19 year old is majority of the time independent or can be and has a huge social support wither it is from parents, friends, coaches, or just all their peers. And for Dennis being 9 he relies on his parents so it is very important to stay positive, listen to what he has to say no matter what it may be, keep him involved in activities or sports to keep his mind off of it, and last but not least if needed to take him to therapy they can help change a child's life not for the worst but for the better.
Steve and Marissa can support Dennis through the divorce by explaining the divorce in a straight-forward manner and assuring him that he will always have both parents' love. They can also help him by explaining how things will work i.e. schedules and routines. Talking about the emotions that kids naturally feel under these circumstances and reassuring him that the divorce is not his fault can also help with adjustment. Avoid talking badly about the other parent and let Dennis know in advance when major changes happen i.e. dad/mom moving out and allow Dennis to visit the other home and see his room, etc. Allowing extra time, support, and open communication will help him adjust also.
There is no question that a divorce is hard on everyone in the picture. But if children continue to feel loved by both of their parents and parents work to create a stable calm environment for their children it will help with the adjustment. Over time they will be calmer as everything falls into a familiar routine.
There is many reasons why divorce can be the target of children becoming severely insecure in their household and in their parent-child relationship. First off, the parents become so caught up in the bitterness of the divorce, they seem to be in a bad mood with the child or children, which to the child indicates that they we loved more when their mom and dad were together and things were better then. Also with divorce comes a lot of change. Change in living arrangements, schedules, family settings, time spent with mom and dad or both, etc. Parents do not always consider the effects divorce will have on their children, especially the change they will have to go through. If the child is used to the family sitting down and having dinner together, or family movie nights, then the child is going to have a hard time adjusting from that routine, which will make them fear that their mom and dad or themselves will never be happy again, and nothing will ever be the same. They may also start to blame themselves. Children’s reaction to divorce depends on several factors including age, temperament, sex, etc.
There are several ways parents that are getting divorced can help their child or children cope better with the divorce. For instance, Steve and Marissa can help their 9 year-old son Dennis cope with it better by trying to nurture and be there for him more. Also instead of showing hostility toward one another in front of Dennis, Steve and Marissa should act like mature adults and still both be there for Dennis, this will show Dennis that even though his parents are getting divorced, both parents will still be there for him when he needs them. They should also help him adapt to the upcoming change in living arrangements and be careful to not let their bad moods with each other come in between them and Dennis. Because so much is changing, they need to keep what they can the same, which is the mood/behavior with each other and Dennis while he is around. They also need to make sure that Dennis knows the divorce is not his fault and explain why they chose to get one. Steve and Marissa could spend some one on one time with Dennis so they could be more involved and know what is going on with Dennis as far as school, feelings, trouble adjusting, etc.
When 9 year old Dennis becomes hostile and defiant through a divorce, his parent would want to help Dennis to adjust by making his life feel as familiar, continuous, and predictable as possible. By having some sort of stability it will help Dennis adjust. The parents will also want to explain the divorce to Dennis so he will know what to expect. Steve and Marissa will also emphasize the permanence of the divorce, so Dennis won’t expect his parents to get back together. Dennis will also emotional support from his parents for his feelings of sadness, fear and anger.
When your parent’s get a divorce it can be a very tough time, but it seems to be especially hard on children in middle childhood. There are several things that Steve and Marissa can do t help their 9-year-old, Dennis, adjust. Probably the most important thing to do while going through a divorce would be to try and shield your child from any conflict happening between adults. The last thing the child wants on top of the divorce is to be drug into the middle of their parent’s arguments. Keeping familiarity, such as the same school, bedroom, or schedule, is also helpful. Children adjust better when they have some stability. Parents should also try and explain the divorce to the child, or children, so they know the expectations of what is to come. Also letting them know that the divorce is permanent is helpful. Sometimes, children like to hope that their parents will somehow get back together can prevent them from accepting the reality of their current life. Responding sympathetically to your child’s feeling of sadness, fear, and anger can be very comforting along with engaging in authoritative parenting.
Another important thing that can really improve the adjustment of your child through a divorce is having a continuous relationship with both parents. When the parents don’t show hostility or anger towards the other in front of the child they seem to adjust better. Other family members can jump in and help as well by not taking sides.
Courtney, I agree that engaging in authoritative parenting would be especially helpful when a child is going through their parent’s divorce. With that parenting style, the parent is accepting and involved and consistent and would make for a much better environment for the child to adjust to.
Marissa and Steve can support their son through the divorce by providing as much stability as possible. There will be many changes during and following the divorce, but showing your commitment to him, loving and understanding his needs, and learning how to cope as the family dynamic changes is important. Dennis may feel guilty that the divorce has something to do with him. He needs constant reassurance from both parents that he is not to blame. Parents need to provide emotional support and provide a warm, comforting environment.
Steve and Marissa need to end the bitterness in their divorce for the sake of their child. They need to explain to Dennis that it is not his fault and they will not let the divorce change how much they love him and how much time they will spend with him. If my parents were to have broken up when I was 9 it would have tore me to pieces, but if they didn't make it as you would say a bitter divorce and explain how much they still loved me and it would not change how much I would get to see them and that they would always be there for me. That would have helped me a lot if they held true to it.
I actually have a friend who's parent went through what you would call a violent divorce. I can't say names because of how serious it was but his dad actually ended up getting custody because he hired private investigators to watch her, recorded everything she said. Since she had said some pretty threatening things, and one time put a gun to his head and threatened to kill him, he proved that she was not as fit as him to have custody. This of course messed with my friend quite a while as you would imagine. He is fine now and kind of laughs about how crazy it was but that would be tough to get over.
The best thing for Steve and Marissa to do is to comfort Dennis and be honest with him. With being 9 years old, he us able to understand most of what is going on. This means the parents should always be open with him and answer any questions he might have. Steve and Marissa need to set aside their differences for a moment and put Dennis first. This is a very difficult situation for him already, and seeing his parents fight and argue in front of him will only make matters worse. If things got too hostile with Dennis, the parents could always seek therapy as an option for him as well.
I know a close friend of mine who has recently gone through a divorce. Her child is only 3, but he does act out a lot and I think some of it does come from the fact he is going through a hard time with this even though he does not know much about what is going on and why his mom and dad don't live together. It's sad too when only one parent really cares about the child. The other one only takes the children when it is convenient for him. If you do not want your child to be emotionally scarred for life BOTH parents should be involved EQUALLY.
Divorce is a hard thing to deal with, particularly for children. Dennis, being as young as he is, needs a lot of emotional support to get through a situation like this. His parents need to let him know that it isn't his fault- he needs to know that he will NOT be abandoned and that both parents will awlways be there for him. Dennis's unruly behavior needs to be met with firmness and consistency from both sides, yet he needs to stay sheltered from family conflict. Dennis's father needs to stay present in his life and have as much contact with his son as possible to elude defiance and aggression.
28 comments:
Steve and Marissa are in the midst of an acrimonious (bitter) divorce. Their 9-year-old son Dennis has become hostile and defiant. How can Steve and Marissa help Dennis adjust?
Steve and Marissa can support Dennis, through the divorce, by providing warmth, involvement, and consistent guidance. Emotional support, encouraged open honest communication, and active listening is vital during the adjustment phase for Dennis – especially from his mother (less emotional support is typical with unruly behavior). Most importantly, Dennis will positively adjust to the divorce as Steve and Marissa use effective parenting. Effective parenting is engaging in authoritative parenting (providing affection, acceptance, reasonable demands for mature behavior, and consistent, rational discipline). Additionally, protecting Dennis from family conflict is an important factor in his overall adjustment. Frequent parental contact from both parents and emotional warmth from the father – child relationship will provide psychological well- being for Dennis. In fact, several studies indicate that outcomes for sons are improved when the father is the custodial parent. Moreover, effective positive co-parenting is essential for Dennis to grow up into a competent, stable and happy young man.
~ Amy Hinkley
Berk, L. (n.d.). Emotional and social Development in Middle Childhood. In Development through the lifespan (Sixth ed., pp. 348-349).
Overall, divorce is linked with adjustment problems in children, however, not for all children (thank goodness). Divorce trauma is severe and some children become hostile and defiant. Children respond differently to divorce; and, age plays a role in the differences. Children 9-12 years old are more openly angry than younger children. Parents play an important role in helping their children grow through anger that stems from divorce. Family practices matter a lot in divorce situations. Family practices, such as harmony between parents, quality of parenting, and support systems, matter in divorced children’s development. The overriding factor in positive adjustment following divorce IS effective parenting.
~ Amy Hinkley
Berk, L. (n.d.). Emotional and social Development in Middle Childhood. In Development through the lifespan (Sixth ed., pp. 348-349).
Putting a 9 year old through a divorce can have a huge impact on them physically and mentally, but both the parents can help by providing social support, therapy, and staying very involved in their sons lives. With me being able to experience this in real life, my parents divorced when I was 9 years old as well but I came from a family were both parents constantly fought and I was severely depressed by the actions being taken but deep down I knew it was for the best. After all the support both sides of my family gave me as well as my friends I made it through it and I am stronger now than I ever was! so it is very important to show support during the divorce for Dennis, and if it is necessary to take him to therapy, or simply sit him down and listen to what he has on his mind.
The parents will need some guidance on how to guide the child through the ongoing changes. First, they must always be honest with them. Tell them why the marriage failed, but do it without badmouthing your former spouse or releasing any inappropriate information to the child. Admit to their mistakes and faults that contributed to the failure of the marriage because kids see these things anyway. Don’t use the children to spy on the other spouse “dish dirt” or be the messenger for conversations between each other. If they have something to say to each other they need to do it directly. The parents need to handle discipline as a unified front. What rules/discipline in one house are rules/discipline in the other. Don’t put the kid in the middle of their disputes about care-giving or money. Reassure them that it was in no way their fault. Leave them no doubt about their unconditional love for them and their commitment to help them through the difficult road that lies ahead.
Divorce is a hard thing to deal with and it can have many consequences on children if parents don't handle it the appropriate way. Our textbook gives several ways to help Dennis adjust with his parents' divorce. They are to shield children from conflict, provide children with as much continuity, familiarity, and predictability as possible, explain the divorce and tell children what to expect, emphasize the permanence of the divorce, respond sympathetically to children's feelings, engage in authoritative parenting, promote a continuing relationship with both parents.
-Chelsea Hagan-
To me, the most important thing to help Dennis to adjust would for his parents to keep open communication with him and to stay very involved with Dennis. Dennis needs to know that nothing is his fault, both parents love him very much and that everything will be OK. BOTH parents must stay involved and provide a warm, loving, and guiding relationship for Dennis. No matter how much the parents fight, it is very important for them to at least get along when it comes to situations with Dennis. Even though they are no longer married, they are still both Dennis' parents and they still need to be on the same page and work as a team for Dennis instead of talking bad about another parent. They need to make Dennis the number one priority. Going through a hard time like this, Dennis will need extra support and attention.
-Chelsea Hagan-
At this age it is very difficult for the child to understand that this Divorce is not their fault.
I feel the parent must be loving,
positive and reinforce the deep love and affection they hold for him. If they can refrain from arguing in front of him and try to
resolve issues in a peaceful and timely manner , along with giving him attention and stability. So, many factors involved. With a secure home and continuous reinforcement the situation can become a lot less stressful. It's the responsibility of both parents to try their best to insure this is the case.
Even if Steve and Marissa are bitter toward each other they need to step back and rethink how, little Dennis is feeling and
how difficult this is for him. Children act out in many ways to accommodate the pain they are feeling inside. He will need positive reinforcement from the both of them, as well as a feeling of closeness and love.
Trying to keep his routine as close as when the family was complete and not bad mouthing each other . Marissa should stay very involved and talk to him with great love , kindness and understanding that this will greatly impact him as well.
Even if Steve and Marissa are bitter toward each other they need to step back and rethink how, little Dennis is feeling and
how difficult this is for him. Children act out in many ways to accommodate the pain they are feeling inside. He will need positive reinforcement from the both of them, as well as a feeling of closeness and love.
Trying to keep his routine as close as when the family was complete and not bad mouthing each other . Marissa should stay very involved and talk to him with great love , kindness and understanding that this will greatly impact him as well.
First off, Steve and Marissa need to put their differences aside and put Dennis as their first priority. Yes, Steve and Marissa can still go through the divorce but sit down with Dennis and explain to him that this is for the best and nothing is going to change the relationship with us (Parents) and him (Dennis). After explaining to Dennis why it’s for the best and everything is going to be okay, Steve and Marissa need to have the same “game plan” for their child and not have different rules from each household cause that can lead Dennis to be confused and upset. If the parents have the same rules and same boundaries for their child, the relationship between parent and son will be a lot less stressful. Steve and Marissa still need to have strong communication skills with one another so everyone is on the same page. It all comes down to Dennis, and Steve and Marissa need to know that their divorce can potentially lead to defiant behavior, that’s why the parents need to still conduct a civil relationship with one another to show Dennis everything is going to be fine.
-Devin Humphrey
The reason why a divorce is very traumatic for the children involved is because things are changing for them completely and the future is unknown. The most powerful people in their lives have decided to go on a completely different course. Parents do not need to talk negatively about the other parent. Don’t try to have deep, meaningful conversations with your kids about the divorce if he or she does not want to. Also, don’t jump into another relationship and expect kids to be accepting of that person. Parents need to hold kids accountable for their behavior. If kids are acting out, be clear with them. Let them know that even if they’re acting out because of the divorce, they’ll still be held accountable for their behavior. Divorce is a hard thing to go through for the parent and the child so by doing these ideas could help the tension and stress that comes with divorce.
-Devin Humphrey
Divorce is hard for everyone involved, not just the children. Everyone is feeling different emotions and this can cause even more pain do to the divorce. There are many things Steve and Marrisa can do to make Dennis feel better about the divorce. First both parents need to talk about how they will explain to Dennis what will be happening and the changes that will occur. If both parents are on the same page and know how to approach the situation and tell their child together it will be better for all of them. Secondly Steve and Marrisa need to explain to Dennis that he will still receive love from both parents and that he will get to spend time with both of his parents. Steve and Marrisa also need to make an agreement about what days Dennis will stay with each other then and they also need to agree on rules they will both have for Dennis. This will cause less confusion to Dennis by having different rules at two different homes. Dennis will also feel more structure when his parents are both on the same page. Steve and Marrisa will also need to avoid talking harshly about the other parent in front of Dennis. This can make Dennis feel like he should blame one of the parents for the divorce and can sometimes cause resistance. No matter what Steve and Marrisa do to make Dennis comfortable he is always going to be upset by the divorce but these methods will allow him to not act out and to have an understanding of what is going on. This will help strengthen his relationship with both parents.
Although my parents have never divorced and I don't fully understand what that feels like I have had many friends who's parents have separated. The child changes tremendously. My best friends parents separated while we were in middle school and both of her parents tried to make her believe it was the other parents fault for the divorce. I knew how much pain she was in and how confused she was. I can only imagine how this would affect a younger child. Parents need to understand while going through a divorce it is not about them, their feelings should be put aside to do what is best for their child. I don't know what I would do if my parents ever split up and not knowing is scary at my age and I am 19, so for a 9 year old divorce can be very scary and could cause them to have trust issues.
Although I have experienced this on my own i have several friends that went through it at well and some were not to long ago so just think if the effects on a 19 year old are just the same as they would be for a 9 year old it is a strong impact on them. It is very important that the parents never ever give any negative feedback the child has to know that no matter the outcome that anything is possible and that he has that social support. The difference between a 19 and 9 year old is that the 19 year old is majority of the time independent or can be and has a huge social support wither it is from parents, friends, coaches, or just all their peers. And for Dennis being 9 he relies on his parents so it is very important to stay positive, listen to what he has to say no matter what it may be, keep him involved in activities or sports to keep his mind off of it, and last but not least if needed to take him to therapy they can help change a child's life not for the worst but for the better.
Steve and Marissa can support Dennis through the divorce by explaining the divorce in a straight-forward manner and assuring him that he will always have both parents' love. They can also help him by explaining how things will work i.e. schedules and routines. Talking about the emotions that kids naturally feel under these circumstances and reassuring him that the divorce is not his fault can also help with adjustment. Avoid talking badly about the other parent and let Dennis know in advance when major changes happen i.e. dad/mom moving out and allow Dennis to visit the other home and see his room, etc. Allowing extra time, support, and open communication will help him adjust also.
There is no question that a divorce is hard on everyone in the picture. But if children continue to feel loved by both of their parents and parents work to create a stable calm environment for their children it will help with the adjustment. Over time they will be calmer as everything falls into a familiar routine.
There is many reasons why divorce can be the target of children becoming severely insecure in their household and in their parent-child relationship. First off, the parents become so caught up in the bitterness of the divorce, they seem to be in a bad mood with the child or children, which to the child indicates that they we loved more when their mom and dad were together and things were better then. Also with divorce comes a lot of change. Change in living arrangements, schedules, family settings, time spent with mom and dad or both, etc. Parents do not always consider the effects divorce will have on their children, especially the change they will have to go through. If the child is used to the family sitting down and having dinner together, or family movie nights, then the child is going to have a hard time adjusting from that routine, which will make them fear that their mom and dad or themselves will never be happy again, and nothing will ever be the same. They may also start to blame themselves. Children’s reaction to divorce depends on several factors including age, temperament, sex, etc.
There are several ways parents that are getting divorced can help their child or children cope better with the divorce. For instance, Steve and Marissa can help their 9 year-old son Dennis cope with it better by trying to nurture and be there for him more. Also instead of showing hostility toward one another in front of Dennis, Steve and Marissa should act like mature adults and still both be there for Dennis, this will show Dennis that even though his parents are getting divorced, both parents will still be there for him when he needs them. They should also help him adapt to the upcoming change in living arrangements and be careful to not let their bad moods with each other come in between them and Dennis. Because so much is changing, they need to keep what they can the same, which is the mood/behavior with each other and Dennis while he is around. They also need to make sure that Dennis knows the divorce is not his fault and explain why they chose to get one. Steve and Marissa could spend some one on one time with Dennis so they could be more involved and know what is going on with Dennis as far as school, feelings, trouble adjusting, etc.
When 9 year old Dennis becomes hostile and defiant through a divorce, his parent would want to help Dennis to adjust by making his life feel as familiar, continuous, and predictable as possible. By having some sort of stability it will help Dennis adjust. The parents will also want to explain the divorce to Dennis so he will know what to expect. Steve and Marissa will also emphasize the permanence of the divorce, so Dennis won’t expect his parents to get back together. Dennis will also emotional support from his parents for his feelings of sadness, fear and anger.
When your parent’s get a divorce it can be a very tough time, but it seems to be especially hard on children in middle childhood. There are several things that Steve and Marissa can do t help their 9-year-old, Dennis, adjust. Probably the most important thing to do while going through a divorce would be to try and shield your child from any conflict happening between adults. The last thing the child wants on top of the divorce is to be drug into the middle of their parent’s arguments. Keeping familiarity, such as the same school, bedroom, or schedule, is also helpful. Children adjust better when they have some stability. Parents should also try and explain the divorce to the child, or children, so they know the expectations of what is to come. Also letting them know that the divorce is permanent is helpful. Sometimes, children like to hope that their parents will somehow get back together can prevent them from accepting the reality of their current life. Responding sympathetically to your child’s feeling of sadness, fear, and anger can be very comforting along with engaging in authoritative parenting.
Another important thing that can really improve the adjustment of your child through a divorce is having a continuous relationship with both parents. When the parents don’t show hostility or anger towards the other in front of the child they seem to adjust better. Other family members can jump in and help as well by not taking sides.
Courtney, I agree that engaging in authoritative parenting would be especially helpful when a child is going through their parent’s divorce. With that parenting style, the parent is accepting and involved and consistent and would make for a much better environment for the child to adjust to.
Marissa and Steve can support their son through the divorce by providing as much stability as possible. There will be many changes during and following the divorce, but showing your commitment to him, loving and understanding his needs, and learning how to cope as the family dynamic changes is important. Dennis may feel guilty that the divorce has something to do with him. He needs constant reassurance from both parents that he is not to blame. Parents need to provide emotional support and provide a warm, comforting environment.
Steve and Marissa need to end the bitterness in their divorce for the sake of their child. They need to explain to Dennis that it is not his fault and they will not let the divorce change how much they love him and how much time they will spend with him. If my parents were to have broken up when I was 9 it would have tore me to pieces, but if they didn't make it as you would say a bitter divorce and explain how much they still loved me and it would not change how much I would get to see them and that they would always be there for me. That would have helped me a lot if they held true to it.
I actually have a friend who's parent went through what you would call a violent divorce. I can't say names because of how serious it was but his dad actually ended up getting custody because he hired private investigators to watch her, recorded everything she said. Since she had said some pretty threatening things, and one time put a gun to his head and threatened to kill him, he proved that she was not as fit as him to have custody. This of course messed with my friend quite a while as you would imagine. He is fine now and kind of laughs about how crazy it was but that would be tough to get over.
The best thing for Steve and Marissa to do is to comfort Dennis and be honest with him. With being 9 years old, he us able to understand most of what is going on. This means the parents should always be open with him and answer any questions he might have. Steve and Marissa need to set aside their differences for a moment and put Dennis first. This is a very difficult situation for him already, and seeing his parents fight and argue in front of him will only make matters worse. If things got too hostile with Dennis, the parents could always seek therapy as an option for him as well.
I know a close friend of mine who has recently gone through a divorce. Her child is only 3, but he does act out a lot and I think some of it does come from the fact he is going through a hard time with this even though he does not know much about what is going on and why his mom and dad don't live together. It's sad too when only one parent really cares about the child. The other one only takes the children when it is convenient for him. If you do not want your child to be emotionally scarred for life BOTH parents should be involved EQUALLY.
Divorce is a hard thing to deal with, particularly for children. Dennis, being as young as he is, needs a lot of emotional support to get through a situation like this. His parents need to let him know that it isn't his fault- he needs to know that he will NOT be abandoned and that both parents will awlways be there for him.
Dennis's unruly behavior needs to be met with firmness and consistency from both sides, yet he needs to stay sheltered from family conflict.
Dennis's father needs to stay present in his life and have as much contact with his son as possible to elude defiance and aggression.
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